What to Do When Your Cat’s Behavior Feels Like Too Much

3 days ago
4 min read

If you’re here because your cat is peeing outside the litter box, waking you up all night, acting aggressive, meowing excessively or just doing something that’s making life feel stressful… I want you to take a breath for a second.

You’re not alone in this, and your cat isn’t trying to be difficult.

I know it can feel that way sometimes—especially when you’re tired, frustrated, or worried—but the truth is, cats don’t do things out of spite. When behavior changes or feels “problematic,” it’s almost always your cat trying to tell you something. And I care deeply about helping people hear that message, because when we miss it, cats are the ones who end up misunderstood.

So if you’re dealing with a behavior issue, here are the first places I always start.

1. Start With Health—Every Time

The very first thing—and I mean always—is looking at health.

Before we even touch behavior strategies, we have to make sure your cat isn’t dealing with something physical. So many of the behaviors people label as “bad” are actually rooted in discomfort, pain, or illness.

Litter box issues, aggression, night waking, food obsession… yes, all of those can have medical pieces.

And just to gently clear up a really common misconception: a vet visit sometime last year isn’t the same as investigating a behavior concern. What we’re looking for here is a visit where you say, “this is what my cat is doing,” and your vet works with you to rule out why that might be happening.

Because if your cat is asking for help in the only way they know how, we have to listen to that first.

2. Get Curious and Look for Patterns

Once we know your cat is physically okay, I want you to get a little curious. Not frustrated—curious.

Behavior almost never comes out of nowhere, even if it feels like it does in the moment.

Start noticing the patterns. What’s happening before the behavior? Not just right before, but earlier in the day… even the last couple of days. Where is it happening? What’s going on in the environment? How are you responding when it happens?

And here’s a piece that can feel a little uncomfortable, but it’s really important—sometimes we’re accidentally part of the pattern.

Cats are incredibly good at figuring out what works. If getting on the counter means you come over every time, that’s still attention. If they meow long enough and eventually you feed them, they just learned to keep going. If they step on you at 5am and you get up and toss some treats… well, that worked too.

Negative attention is still attention.

I say this with a lot of kindness, but also honesty—sometimes you might be the one who needs a little training in this process too. And that’s okay. You’re learning together.

Because your cat is repeating that behavior for a reason. It’s working for them in some way. And when we slow down enough to see the pattern, we start to understand what that “something” is.

3. Focus on the Why, Not Just the Fix

From there, everything really comes back to the why. I know it’s tempting to jump straight into “how do I stop this?”—that’s usually the moment people reach out for help—but if we skip over understanding the why, we end up chasing our tails (no pun intended).

Your cat’s behavior has a purpose. It always does.

It’s not dominance. It’s not revenge. It’s not your cat trying to get back at you for something. It’s about needs, instincts, stress, communication… all the things that make your cat who they are.

A big part of what I do is help people see the situation from their cat’s perspective. And when that clicks, things start to feel a lot less personal—and a lot more solvable.

4. Show Them What To Do

Something I gently nudge my clients on all the time is where their attention is going.

When behavior is stressful, it’s so easy to focus on everything you don’t want. You’re reacting, redirecting, trying to stop things as they happen. And that makes sense—you’re human.

But at the same time, your cat is constantly offering little moments of behavior you do want… and those often go unnoticed.

Cats learn from what works. So if we only show up when something is going wrong, we’re missing the chance to reinforce what’s going right. That doesn’t mean ignoring unwanted behavior—it just means we also need to actively guide them toward better options. Meet the need, just in a different way. Give them an outlet that actually works for both of you. Because we’re not just stopping behavior—we’re helping them succeed.

5. Get Support if You Need It (and Choose Carefully)

And lastly, if you’re feeling overwhelmed or stuck in this, please know you don’t have to figure it out on your own.

But I also want you to be thoughtful about who you’re getting help from.

The behavior industry isn’t regulated, which means not everyone offering advice has the education, experience, or training to truly support you and your cat—even if they have the best intentions. And unfortunately, following the wrong guidance can leave families feeling like they’re going in circles.

You deserve better than that.

Look for someone who has made this their life’s work. Someone who has put in the time to really understand behavior, and who is committed to helping both pets and their people. Someone who can meet you where you are, without judgment, and guide you with compassion—not just tell you what to do. Because this isn’t just about fixing behavior. It’s about supporting a relationship.

At the end of the day, behavior issues aren’t about having a “bad cat.” They’re about a cat who is trying their best to navigate their world with the tools they have.

When we slow down, get curious, and start listening a little differently, we give them a better way to communicate—and that’s where things really start to change.

And if you were hoping for a quick fix in this post, I get that. When you’re living in it every day, you just want things to feel better.

But real, lasting change doesn’t come from one tip or one trick. It comes from understanding what your cat is trying to tell you—and responding in a way that actually supports them. That’s the work that creates peace in your home again. And you don’t have to figure it out alone.